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Friday, February 16, 2007

Learning To Say NO


Growing up was great but there will always be buts. I grew up in a culture where you don't necessarily have a voice as a youngster. If you say no, you get in trouble. It is an act of disrespect. What a great way to develop your people skills. It comes down to the way you communicate what you want to say. Hence be nice and smile while you are at it. No Hard feelings.

You see I have always had a big mouth and I count it a blessing because there is a reason why I have a big mouth. When I say I have a big mouth it isn't because I love to chitchat though I enjoy the occasional one or two. Come on I'm a lady, I was designed to do such things. No, I take pleasure in saying things that lift people up. It makes my day when someone smiles because I said something encouraging. Hence, when I realised I had a big mouth; I trained myself to say the right things. Don't get me wrong. There are times when I mess up real bad and I have to swallow my pride and apologise but hey, life is a steep learning curve. We have no choice but to go through it.

Back to saying no; I went to a boarding school and it was ruled with iron hand. Those above you in class were dictators and it felt more like a military boot camp with an authoritarian or should I call it a totalitarian type of government. Hell, there were days I hated being at school. My big mouth always got me into trouble because I hate when people mistreat others and I just have to speak up. That got me into a whole lot of trouble and after a while, I discovered I was now conditioned to saying yes to everyone. Why?

I said yes because I wanted those in the senior class to like me and not hate or pick on me. It worked for a while but as always, they were their usual hating self. If you'll allow me to be honest, some of them were really b**chy. No she didn't. Yes I did. Swallow and stay with me. I couldn't stand them but in order to avoid everyone picking on me, saying yes was my way out.

Without realising, saying no soon turned into a thing where I was the one hurting the other person and that has been my life up until now. It is sad to admit an adult like myself did not know how to say no but you see many of us fall into that trap without knowing it. We think we are so nice and everyone likes us. That is a lie and we both know it. Everybody cannot like you no matter how nice you think you are. I'm not bitter just being honest. I told you I had a big mouth didn't I? Stay with me now. Don't you dare stop reading. Come on read on. That's it. Well done.

Before you know it, you become this little hater, resenting everyone because you think they are holding you back. Well guess what no one but you is holding you back. You have the right to say no. That is why you have a will. No one can make you do what you don't want to do. If you want to contest that, I understand but we live in a society where free will is of the norm. Well so they say. Hence, you have no excuse to say otherwise. I have said no to a few people recently and boy It felt good. You need to try it.

What have I learnt, that I am not superwoman and I can't do it all. It was great to finally tell myself that I am the most important person in my life; not because I am being self centred but there are times when I need to be selfish in order to maximise my time. It involves saying no to certain things and not feel guilty no matter how nice the offer is or how great you will look to everyone by saying yes.

So, let me ask you what do you need to say no to today? Is it to yourself and that habit you have carried about for years, praying no one finds out? It is time to cut the rope. The rope of fear, guilt, shame and the feeling that you are unworthy to say no. You can say no. It is yours to say. Go ahead; shout it on the roof top. NO. You see, it's easy. If I learnt to say no and I am still practising it, then I bet you can do it. It isn't always the easiest thing to do but someone has got to do it. Why not you?

It's easy. JUST SAY NO and while you are saying it, smile. Makes it less painful and you remain friends. Pleasant surprises waiting to be discovered when you learn to say no. Don't say no out of spite. Say no because you have things that need your attention. Saying no is about having a trajectory in life which means you focus on your highest priorities. You know when to take time out for you and no one else. You realise the value of who you are, the gifts and abilities you carry and finally, take the time to develop, nurture and cultivate them.

Just Say No.

2 comments:

Mrs Oparah said...

True talk my darling.

I had and in some cases still face the saying NO problem.

You see cos I grew up here in England, I have always had the straight forward speak my mind attitude, but then I went back to Nigeria for a while and no one could believe I could be like that,you know actually say No to an adult if I did not agree with some thing they said or did or that I actually spoke my mind. They tried so hard to beat and curse, everything out of me so I would be completely submissive and not have a mind of my own but little did they know I was made that way for a reason. Anyway I digress slightly, I think for Nigerians especially, hearing no is difficult cos they are used to (especially the adults) people falling all over them you know all that yes sir no ma rubbish.
Saying NO can be very liberating trully,but learning to say no in a diplomatic way is even better (this I am still learning to do).
I used to find myself having to bend over backwards for some people doing things that I wouldn't normally do or didn't want to do cos I didn't want to offend anyone, till it got too much for me and I went back to who I really am and people couldn't handle it and I got labelled, (you know they do that to people who do not conform to societies way of thinking) I was the way ward girl who would not amount to anything cos I did things my way.
Anyway I do not have many Nigerian friends for this reason (infact I have very very very few believe me, cos I believe they can be pretentious, over bearing and hard work to deal with)saying no to them can be hard work cos they feel easily offended and some of them especially the christian ones act as if you owe them something.
I will give you an example, I met someone sometime ago and I thought I could be myself but then she wanted and expected everything to be done her way and for her and whenever I said no or had a difference of opinion she would get into a strupp. I think her definition of friendship was things were said and done the way she wanted (spoilt). In the end I decided I would keep my opinions to myself so when she asked or said anything I wouldn't really answer, I would just shrugg, smile or turn away and not say anything in order not to offend her. But in the end it became too draining for me and I thought if I can't be myself around her then this isn't true friendship (like pastor Matthew said if they do not lift you up but bring you down then it is time to move on) so I decided to stay away, we are still friends but our paths came to a cross road and we took different directions, it was time to move on.

Anyway long and short of all this if you want to say NO then do so the other party will respect you for it if not straight away they will eventually.

YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE ALL OF THE TIME.

C'EST LA VIE!!!!

STREETBRAND said...

Good work Belinda - learning to say 'no' can be tricky especially with adults but sometimes, saying 'yes' can be trickier and can get you in a whole load of trouble. I agree with Mrs Oparah who stated that say no respectfully, that's the key.